So drunk, too bad you don't want this
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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