Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
