Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
