i think my mom watched the whole time
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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