my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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