so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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