The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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