nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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