i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
