before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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