Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
