Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
