they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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