what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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