I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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