My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
