I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
