My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
