Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Im part way to drunk.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
