Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
