I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
