i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
