my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My vagina just recognized that song.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
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I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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