Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
