Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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