he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
