Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
