You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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