If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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