Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
