Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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