She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i drank out of a bidet.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
