i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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