and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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