1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
