today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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