Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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