In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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