Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
