I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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