So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
