Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
