5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
