There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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