Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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