Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
