Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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