I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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