I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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