The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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