Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
