we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
