Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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