I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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