My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
