We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
