If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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