my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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