On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
