You smell like a Billy Joel song
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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