I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
